Statistically correct love song

In honour of yesterday’s Valentine day: Tim Minchin’s “If I didn’t have you”. A cynical, statistically correct love song. The engineer in me appreciates this 🙂

(YouTube)

Lyrics:

Yeah yeah
If I didn’t have you

If I didn’t have you to hold me tight
(If I didn’t have you)
If I didn’t have you to lie with at night
(When I’m feeling blue)
If I didn’t have you to share my sights
(Share my sights)
And to kiss me and dry my tears when I cry…

Well I, really think that I would…

Have somebody else.

(If I didn’t have you)
If I didn’t have you, someone else would do
Your love is one in a million
(One in a million)
You couldnt buy it at any price
(Can’t buy love)

But of the 9 point 999 hundred thousand other loves,
Statistically some of them would be equally nice.

(Equally nice)

Or maybe not as nice but say, smarter than you…
Or dumber but better at sport or…
Tracing

I’m just saying
(I really think that I would)
Probably
(Have somebody else)

Yeah.

(If I didn’t have you)
If I didn’t have you someone else would do
(Someone else would surely do)

If I were a rich man
Diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddly
I guess I would be with a surgeon or a model
Or any of the royals or a kennedy
Or a nymphomonical exhibitionist heiress to a large chain of hotels

If I were a rich man maybe I would fiddle
Fiddle diddle diddle with the rich man girls

I’m not saying that I’d not love you if I was wealthy or handsome
But realistically there’s lots of fish in the sea
And if I had a different rod I would concievably land some

Even though I am fiscally consistantly pitiable
And considerably less brad pitt than brad pitiful
Am I really so poor and ugly that you think that only you could possibly love me
And I
(Really think that I would)
Probably
(Have somebody else)
Yeah

(If I didn’t have you)
If I didn’t have you
someone else would do
(Someone else would surely do)

Look, I’m not undervaluing what we’ve got when I say
That given the role chaos inevitably plays
in the inherently flawed notion of fate,
It’s obstruse to deduce I’ve found my soulmate at the age of 17
It’s just mathematically unlikely that at a university in Perth
I happened to stumble on the one girl on earth specifically designed for me
And if I may conjecture a further objection
love is nothing to do with destined perfection
The connection is strengthened the affection simply grows over time

Like a flower
Or a mushroom
Or a guinea pig
Or a vine
Or a sponge
Or bigotry

… or a banana (banana)

And love is made more powerful by the ongoing drama or shared experience
and the synergy of the kind of symbiotic empathy or something…

So I trust it goes without saying
That I would feel really very sad
if tomorrow you were to fall off something high
Or catch something bad

But I’m just saying
I don’t think you’re special
I mean… I think you’re special

But
You fall within a bell curve

I mean, I’m just saying I
(Think that I would)
Probably
(Have somebody else)

I think you are unique and beautiful
You make me happy just by being around
(just be around)
But objectively
you would have to agree
that baby when I found you
Options were relatively thin on the ground
(Thin on the ground)
You’re lovely but there must be girls as lovely as you
And maybe more open to spanking or table tennis…

I’m just saying
(That I think that I would)
Probably
(Have somebody else)

I mean I reckon it’s pretty likely that if for example
My first girlfriend jackie hadn’t dumped me
After I kissed Winstons ex-girlfriend Neah
back at Stephs party back in 1993

And our variables would probably have been altered by the absence of that event
To have meant the advent of a tangential narrative in which we don’t meet.
Which is to say there exists a theoretical hypothetical parallel life
Where what is, is not as it is, and I am not your husband and you are not my wife.

And I am a stuntman living in LA
Married to a small blonde portugese skier
Who when she’s not training
Does abstract painting
Practises yoga
And brews her own beer
And really like making home movies
And suffers neck down alopecia

But with all my heart and all my mind I know one thing is true
I have just one life and just one love and, my love, that love is you
And if it wasn’t for you
Baby
(I really think that I would)
(Have somebody else)
Yeah

(If I didn’t have you)
If I didn’t have you someone else would surely do
(Someone else would surely do)
Dooooooooooooo.

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