You awake as a hamburger

A Cuil is a unit of measurement:

One Cuil = One level of abstraction away from the reality of a situation.

Example: You ask me for a Hamburger.

1 Cuil: if you asked me for a hamburger, and I gave you a raccoon.

2 Cuils: If you asked me for a hamburger, but it turns out I don’t really exist. Where I was originally standing, a picture of a hamburger rests on the ground.

3 Cuils: You awake as a hamburger. You start screaming only to have special sauce fly from your lips. The world is in sepia.

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Not always right contains “a collection of quotes from these particularly memorable customers”… like this one:

Me: “Thank you for calling [costume store], how may I help you?”
Customer: “Hi, do you guys have costumes?”
Me: *sarcastically* “No, I’m afraid we’re a tax accounting service.”
Customer: “Oh. Can I write off a costume rental on my taxes?”

or this gem

Me: “Welcome to Tech Support, you’re talking to ****”
Customer: “Hi, my name is ****, and I work at **** bank. You’ve really gotta help me! I’ve got this message on my computer, and I don’t know what to do!”
Me: “Okay, if you could start by reading the message to me, I’ll see what we can do.”
Customer: “Oh, okay.. It says: ‘Your computer has been automatically adjusted for daylight savings time.’ What do i do?!”
Me: “Er…is there a button that says ‘OK’?”
Customer: “Yes.”
Me: “Can you tell me what happens when you click the ‘OK’ button?”
Customer: “Oh, thank you very much! You’re a life saver! Thank you, thank you; now I can finally get these reports done!!” *hangs up*
Me: “…you’re welcome?”
Mentor: *after listening in* “You know what the scary part is? That is my contact at the bank… the same person I entrust my life savings to.”

Ok, just one more 🙂

Customer: “What time do you guys close?”
Me: “Nine.”
Customer: “… o’clock?”
Me:  ”No… feet. Nine feet.”


Old Europe beats the hell out of USA, China at Olympics, no one notices

In the overall medal standings at the Beijing 2008 Olympics, Old Europe has beaten the crap out of both China and the US – winning almost twice as much gold as the United States, and more than double the amount of medals of China. Despite the heated debate about exactly this subject, no one seems to notice.


Old Europe, an informal name for the European Union before its recent enlargements, managed to obtain 64 gold medals, 68 silver medals and 70 bronze medals – a total of 202 medals, solidly claiming the first place in the overall medal standings.

The 12 countries involved (Belgium, France, Germany, Italy, the Netherlands, Ireland, Great Britain, Denmark, Greece, Portugal and Spain) have a total population of 366 million people, somewhat more than the United States, but far less than China.

So it seems Europe came out on top in this Olympics. But please, continue to ignore the elephant in the room. It’s not as if we have the largest economy in the world, or six times the fire power of China.

Histomap of world history

I think I would like to have this map of world history:
“Not a map really, but a 5-foot-high chart showing in one glance 4,000 years of human history on a global scale. Thirty years ago I saw this on the wall of someone’s dorm room and it flipped me out then, and every time I’ve seen it since. Its beauty is how Mr. Sparks divies up world power (somewhat crudely) into its main factions graphed in each increment of fifty years since 2000 B.C.E. Different civilizations are color-coded so one can easily trace the flow and ebb of culture over the centuries.”

Unfortunately, it is out of sale – but luckily there’s still a high quality mirror online.

Ridiculous Amazon customer reviews

The customer reviews at Amazon’s product page for uranium ore (wtf??) are delightfully ridiculous:


I ordered a bunch of cans of this, and still couldn’t get my time machine to work. I can’t wait to get back to 1985 and my hot girlfriend. Meanwhile, I’m stuck working at the Cafe 80s, dammit.


Time Machines run on Plutonium not Uranium. thats just silly.

Response 2:

You probably connected the Neirmann capacitors wrong on your flux capacitor. They should contact just a few centimeters above the Stendrand coils, but still below the containment field for the fusion material. Uranium ought to work as well as plutonium, the fission material is for collection of free quarks, not any sort of classical power generation.